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STORIES AND SUCH






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JESSIE


"The 1940's saw the development and opening of the vision and horizons
of most folks in this country. Not all people were as cosmopolitian as
the more learned ones up town. Those of us who lived in the Big Woods
of Arkansas were more 'ignert' than most city folks and our ignorance
showed up in most of our daily lives.

When my father was called to WWll he moved us to a town of about 750
people and my mother became the town shoe cobbler. A family named Bravis
moved into our old house back in the woods. The family consisted of an
elderly man and woman and three or four sons who were all totally illiterate.
This did not mean that they were bad people, only poor and couldn't read and
write.

Of the sons Jessie was the 'ignertest' and was also a hypochondriac. His most
common comment was 'I'm jest sick.'. He walked around most of the time with
his arms crossed over his stomach and slightly bent forward looking very much
like a question mark. This is the way he showed up each Saturday at the shoe shop.

The Bravis' always came to town on Saturdays to do their tradin'. Most woods folk
taveled in wagon and team as did the Bravis'. They would buy a weeks supply
of groceries and special feeds for the stock (farm animals) and generally make a
holiday of the trip.

Mama was the most subtle of practical jokers and had tired of hearing about
Jessie's ailments. She put a whole cake of ex-lax on the corner of the kitchen
table and waited for Jessie.(Now ex-lax was the miriacle drug of the 40's. It's
whole purpose in life was to cramp a good man to death.) A cake of ex-lax consisted
of four little squares each one being considered to be a dose.

When Jessie came in Mama let him get thru his 'I'm jest sick' routine and then
said 'Jessie the kids left some Hershy candy on the table and you can have it
if you want it'. Jessie wanted it. It looked, tasted, went down like candy but
that's as far as the resemblence went.

The next couple of Saturdays Jessie didn't show up in town. When he did come
back he said 'The other Saturday on the way home I caught something. LORD GOD I
LIKE TO DIED.'."



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UNK, WHISKEY, AND MAMA


I had an uncle who had a taste for Alabama Hillbilly
Whiskey. Two or three times a year he would "pull" an
extended drunk that would last from one to three weeks.
According to him his lips, tongue, and throat would be almost
parched from over exposure to alcohol and deprivation of water.
He was on one of these jaunts with whiskey and was actually
sobering up. He walked around the house holding his sides and
grunting with misery. Mama had listened to all she could stand
and said "There is some cold prune juice in the refrigerator.
You can have all you want". Unk wanted some and took the gallon
jug out and instead of pouring a glass, he just turned it up and
drank from the jug.

He said that it was the best tasting stuff he had ever drank. It
was cool and refreshing to his parched lips and gullet. He said
that he could feel the cooling liquid all the way down to his
stomach. Each time he passed the refrigerator he would take the
jug out and take a long drink and very nearly drank the whole
gallon before midafternoon.

Now mama had poured a bottle of mineral oil in the gallon of
prune juice (The juice was a pretty good purgative itself.). If
one isn't acquainted with mineral oil the significance of it may
be overlooked. Mineral oil is the slickest stuff in the world when
taken as a purgative.

Unk went to feed the hogs about midafternoon. The hog pen was
about 50-75 yards down the hill from the house and was bordered by
a pine thicket. It was after dark when he got back to the house.
It took about 10 minutes to feed the hogs and the rest of the time
was spent in the thicket. Unk said that he would start up the hill
and a big knot would come up in his side and he would have to run
for the woods.

He said that once he looked up toward the house and mama was
standing on the back doorsteps laughing at him. Needless to say
she helped sober him up.




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HYMNS


The Dentist's Hymn.....Crown Him With Many Crowns

The Weatherman's Hymn.....There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

The Contractor's Hymn.....The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn.....Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn.....There Is a Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn.....Standing on the Promises

The Optometrist's Hymn.....Open My Eyes That I Might See

The IRS Agent's hymn.....I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn.....Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn.....Send the Light

The Shopper's Hymn.....Sweet By and By

The Realtor's Hymn.....I've Got a mansion Just Over the Hilltop



Now, for those who speed on the highway:

45 mph.....God Will Take Care Of You
55 mph.....Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph.....Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph.....Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph.....This World Is Not My Home
95 mph.....Lord, I'm Coming Home
Over 100 mph.....Precious Memories



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THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER


CLASSIC VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer
long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm
and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter
so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer
long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and
dances and plays the summer away.Come winter, the shivering
grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know
why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC
show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper
next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with
a table filled with food.

"America" is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this
be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah
with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing
"It's Not Easy Being Green."

Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance
on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather
that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper
who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those
who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers or as Bill
refers to it as Temperatures of the 80's". Jesse Jackson
stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where
the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's
sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings
that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper
and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make
him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the
"Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive
to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for
failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and
having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his
home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper
in a defamation suit against the ant and the case is tried
before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from
a list of single parent welfare recipients who can only
hear cases on Thursdays between 1:30 and 3:00 PM when there
are no talk shows scheduled.

The ant loses the case The story ends as we see the grasshopper
finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the
government house he is in, which just happens to be the
ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't
maintain it.The ant has disappeared below the snow and
headed for Canada to start again. And on the TV, which
the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food,
they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly,
applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era
of "fairness" has dawned in America.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident
and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by
a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful
neighborhood.




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EXERCISE


It is well documented that for every minute that you
exercise, you add one minute to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional
5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when
they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately
my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because
it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not
just e-mail it to them!




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I'M FINE HOW ARE YOU


When I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

All my teeth have had to come out, And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we're in.



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SATAN'S BEATITUDES


* Blessed are those Christians who are:,
TOO TIRED, TOO BUSY AND TOO DISTRACTED
to spend time with their fellow Christians in Church
for they are my best candidates to backslide.

* Blessed are those Christians who:
WAIT TO BE ASKED and EXPECT TO BE THANKED
for I can use them to slow things down.

* Blessed are those Christians who:
are TOUCHY. With a bit of luck
they may STOP GOING TO CHURCH
and get others to quit.
They are my missionaries.

* Blessed are those Christians who:
are VERY RELIGIOUS but GET ON EVERYONE'S NERVES
for they are my most effective stumbling blocks.

* Blessed are those Christians who:
are TROUBLEMAKERS for they are my best wrecking crew.

* Blessed are those Christians who:
have NO TIME TO PRAY.
They are easy prey for me.

* Blessed are those Christians who:
are COMPLAINERS for they are my best discouragers.

* Blessed are YOU when you read this and
THINK IT IS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE and not YOURSELF,
for I'VE GOT YOU.

Mankind's Master Deceiver,
SATAN



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HYGIENE


After hearing from several of you that there is a big
problem with "stinky girls" this year.The nurse went
into the girls' P.E. and Athletics classes last week for
a little "girl talk" about hygiene and personal grooming.
The coaches followed up by asking the girls the next day
to write about some things they'd learned from the talk.
I thought you might enjoy reading some of their hygiene hints.
I know I have learned a few things!!!!

* You always have to look good when you make first impressions.
If you do not look good on your first impression, people may
think that's how you've been all your life. And that
that's how you will be for the rest of your life!

* People need to wash their ears because if they don't,
wax could build up and it might let out odors!

* You must clean between every crack.
* If your talking to your friend and your breath is kicking
do you think thay will want to talk to you anymore?

* Hygien is the smell and change that most of the people
make but mostly girls and boys. These changes happens
because you are growing up and your body is getting in
one shape.

* She also told us that if we have lies or some kind of
little animals in our hair that we should wash our hair
everyday.

* About keeping your under clothes clean you need to clean
them daily because they start to turn black because
there not clean.

* We also learned about our teeth we need to brush so it
won't stink like raul food or other stinkier stuff.

* Clean hair so you willn't have lices. Clean your nails
inside so it wouldn't be darty. Clean between are feetnails.

* When you take a shower you have to clean under your arms
and in the carfaces. This helps you to not stink or look
like you may be a gross person.

* You should always wash between your legs and clean your
face with soap and water. When you clean your face make
sure you don't use the same wash rage that you used on
your buttocs area.
* Please! When you do wash in your southern area, you
have to wash really good.

* Don't have the same socks on for a whole week.

* I lerd I shud cling my feet wen I take a dath and wash
my nek reel good and cling it wen I take a bath. I didn not
know to cling my feet so I am glad you tode them for us.

* Another thing is when you go to the bathroom you wipe
yourself good and get everything out of there that needs

to be out. * You need to make sure you clean everything, and I mean
EVERYTHING.

AND FINALLY........... * Wash your private and other places where the sun don't shine.



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RULES TO LIVE BY


**Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

** Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier'n puttin' it back in.

** If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look
back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

** If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

** Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

** Don't squat with your spurs on.

** There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.
Neither one works.

** If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing
to do is stop diggin'.

** Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

** It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a
flock of sheep.

** Always drink upstream from the herd.

** When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter
or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

** When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready
to have it thrown around by somebody else.

** The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it over and put it in your pocket.

** Never miss a good chance to shut up.




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TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS


Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who
had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were
blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis;
would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the
answer of this one.
Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader,
and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three
leading candidates:

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and
consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses.
He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps
until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of
whisky every evening.
Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had
any extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the
answer.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

And by the way: Answer to the abortion question if you
said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think
before judging someone...
Never be afraid to try something new, remember Amateurs
built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic!!!




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SCHOOL PHONE


Ring, ring
"You have reached the answering machine of yourschool.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff
member, please listen to all options before making a selection."
To lie about why your child is absent, Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work, Press 2
To complain about what we do, Press 3
To cuss out staff members, Press 4
To ask why you didn't get needed information that was
already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins
mailed to you, Press 5
If you want us to raise your child, Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, Press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year, Press 8 To complain about school lunches, Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, classwork,
homework and that it's not the teacher's fault for your
child(ren)'s lack of effort - Hang up and have a nice day!!



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DISORDER IN THE COURT


Below are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and published by court reporters - who had the torment
of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere



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STATISTICS


States won by Gore: 19
States won by Bush: 29

Counties won by Gore: 677
Counties won by Bush: 2,434

Pop. of counties won by Gore: 127 million
Pop. of counties won by Bush: 143 million

Sq miles of country won by Gore: 580,000
Sq miles of country won by Bush: 2,427,000

Now Professor Joseph Olson of the Hamline University
School of Law in St.Paul Minnesota has produced another
interesting new statistic.Professor Olson looked up the
crime statistics for all of these counties and came up with this:

Avg Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by Gore: 13.2
Avg Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by Bush: 2.1

Now, what area of this country do you want electing the
President of the United States, Gore's or Bush's?



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INDY'S FISH STORY


We were on a day patrol near Chu Li and were crossing a bridge
along the main road that ran between Chu Li base and our hill.
As we were crossing we would pick up rocks and toss them in the
river below us. Then someone decided to have a throwing contest and
see who could throw the fartherest. Well we all took turns and when
it was my turn I reared back and let this good sized rock fly. Just
before it hit the water a fish jumped and the rock struck it. Some
little kids that were playing along side the river ran into the water,
retrieved the fish and ran all the way up to the bridge where we were
to present me with the fish. They were absolutely in awe of me. This
fish was about 6 lbs and you could see the dent in its head where the
rock had hit it. I gave the fish to the kids to take home to eat. I'm
probably still talked about around there. The GI that fishes with rocks.
And I couldn't do that again in a million years.




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THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO


The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent,
and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that
Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past
three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?" The Lone Ranger is silent
for a moment, then speaks.
"Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent."




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A HELPFUL OLD LADY


One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up
supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware
store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he
stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple
of chickens and a goose.

However, he now had a problem: how to carry all
of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said,
"Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the
bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm
and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey,
thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a little old lady who told
him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me
how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live
at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut
and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady said, "How do I know that when
we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall,
pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a
bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the
world could I possibly hold you up against the wall
and do that?"

The little old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him
with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and
I'll hold the chickens.




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WOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOO


Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a
sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he
listened very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was
all about, was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian.
"It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they
holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an
answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening
of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and
then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the
size of the huge opening, he was thinking,"Hoo, man! Look at the size
of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be
some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the
opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the
answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in
his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off
his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the Local
Newsaper read.....

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN."




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LOUISIANA MATH


Thibodeaux Jr. was at home doing his Math homework. He said
to himself,"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine".
At that moment his mother came in and heard what he was saying.
"Thibodeaux, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?"
Thibodeaux answered, "I'm doing my Math homework, Mom."
She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?"
Thibodeaux replied, "Yes, Mom."

The next day the mother, concerned about the her son is receiving,
went to Thibodeaux's school for a talk with the teacher. She said
to the Math teacher, "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in Math?
The teacher replied, "Right now, we're learning addition problems."
Thibodeaux's mother asked, "And ... are you teaching them
to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

When the teacher was able to stop laughing she replied, "Not at all!
What I taught them was 'two plus two,
THE SUM OF WHICH IS four.'"




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INTERESTING STATISTICS


If the earth's population was shrunk into a village of just 100 people with
all the human ratios existing in the world still remaining what would this
tiny, diverse village look like?
That's exactly what Phillip M. Harter, a medical doctor at the Stanford
University School of Medicine, attempted to figure out.

This is what he found...........
57 would be Asian
21 would be European
14 would be from the Western Hemisphere
8 would be African
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be nonwhite
30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual
6 people would possess 59 percent of the entire world's wealth,
and all 6 would be from the United States.
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death
1 would be pregnant
1 would own a computer

The following is an anonymous interpretation:

Think of it this way:
If you live in a good home, have plenty to eat and can read,
you are a member of a very select group.
And if you have a good house, food, can read and have a
computer, you among the very elite.
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...
you are more fortunate than the million who will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of
imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation... you are
ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest,
torture, or death..you are fortunate, more than three billion people in the
world can't.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead
and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish
someplace...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If your parents are still alive and still married...
you are very rare, even in the United States.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful
... you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them
on shoulder you are blessed because you can offer healing touch.
If you can read this message, you just received a double
blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore,
you are more blessed than over two billion people
in the world that cannot read at all.
Have a good day, count your blessings, and pass this along to remind
everyone else how blessed we all are.




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8TH GRADE TEST GIVEN IN KANSAS IN 1890'S


8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS - 1895

GRAMMER (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.

2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.

3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.

4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.

5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case.

6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.

7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the
practical use of the rules of grammar.

ARITHMETIC (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.

2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?

3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts. per bu, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?

4 District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school
seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?

5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.

6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.

7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $ .20 per inch?

8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.

9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?

10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. HISTORY (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.

2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.

3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.

4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.

5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.

6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.

7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?

8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, and 1865?

ORTHOGRAPHY (Time, one hour)
1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic orthography,etymology, syllabication?

2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?

3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?

4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'. 5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'. Name two exceptions under each rule.

6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.

7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, super.

8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy,
sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.

9. Use the following correctly in sentences, Cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.

10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

GEOGRAPHY (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?

2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?

3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?

4. Describe the mountains of N.A.

5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fermandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.

6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.

7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each. 8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?

9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.

10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.

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BUYING GOLF BALLS


A lady golfer and her husband went into a golf pro shop to buy golf balls. She knew
that most ladies did not use the same golf balls that men use but she preferred the
variety used by the men. Confronting the clerk she told him that she wished to
purchase some balls. She added "I like to play with men's balls". Realizing what she
had said and seeing the clerk's red face and teary eyes she turned to her husband
and said "You son-of-a-bitch you better not even smile".

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MINISKIRT

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini
skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she
became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her
to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to
raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a
little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to
her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she
again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by
the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you
touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well,
ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends."

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